I Am

                                              On Mogul

On Spillwords

On Soundcloud

I
am
that
which
cannot be
caged,
tamed,
tried,
understood,
included,
deluded,
or left -

misunderstood.

I am
the fairy tailed children
asleep beneath blankets
on a cool summers eve,
books in palms,
eyes shut tight,
warding off monsters
in closets
underneath the bed.

I am the angelic presence in dreams,
the dark rising depths
present,
in the time between
night and day.

I am
the bleeding hearts
of artists,
music flowing
like manes of thoroughbreds,
strings and violins
concertos and preludes,
the rise and fall
of notes,
the voice of the oppressed
painting alone,
writing alone,
speaking to the masses
standing in front of
sculptures
in galleries
half numb
from having their soul
placed on a
public platter
picked apart
and critiqued.

I am
the constellations
stars,
the ancient raiment
of the majestic
velvet night
coaxing solitude,
creation,
rendering you
sleepless
with desire -

and the great Gods
contemplating existence
tossing magic
and medicine
- electrified -
towards Earth
teaching lessons

        to the mere human soul.        

I am Woman
Man
Child
Mother
Father
Brother
Sister -

I am a lover
loved
loving - 

I am the volcanic
rumblings
of every tired soul
and every smile
and tear - 

I am an argument
and agreement

the birds that berth
in your
crown chakra,

their song
is mine - 

all creatures
earth, dirt, silt,
gems, stones,
twigs and trees - 

every root and crevice,
all footholds and paths,
the falling leaves
- kamikaze -
every rock and shell,
the waves and oceans,
all bodies of water,
feathers, flight,
the bees that buzz
around the new bud,
the hand that guides a sprout
from seed,

the secrets the wind
whispers,
the fierce embrace
of winter,
the warmth upon
your face,
heart,
body,
soul,
and the sweet cool
calming waters
of life - 

I am death

      wild,      

I am
Woman.

Here.
Now. 

I am every element,
all emotions,
every fable told
by firelight,
every word
written,
spoken,
uttered,
screamed,
and sighed - 

the true Goddess,
the wild soul - 

I am that which cannot
be kept
nor set free. 

I exist
without logic,
in rational conscious
thought,
in esoteric
holy
nakedness. 

I am the rich man
and beggar,
the king and the jester - 

I am the grass,
all species,
and the sky,
kaleidoscopes
of spectrums - 

I am good
versus
evil
versus
self
versus
sentience - 

I am a conundrum
unto myself,
a human shell
existing
as pure
ether. 

I am heaven
and hell. 

I am the destroyer
and creator

simultaneous.

© Susan Marie  

Artwork © Daphne and Apollo by Beatriz Martin Vidal

Be Human

On Mogul

© Mogul 

The last year has been trying.  After all, I am only human.  


Only human.  Now there is an interesting definition. 

Being "human" [according to Merriam-Webster] means "a human being, a person as distinguished from an animal or an alien.  Susceptible to or representative of the sympathies and frailties of human nature."  

In our world, being "human" has taken on an entirely different meaning. 

All ranges of emotion from love to happiness to sadness to frustration to anger to darkness to bliss are experienced by humans. Somewhere along the lines, the term "human" has been associated with being "perfect."   

Perfect attitude, hair, skin, nails, clothes, body, education, family, career, skills, life, travel, adventure, love, and pretty much everything that most humans definitely are not. 

Many times in life we over think.  Our minds are powerful tools, ones we have yet to fully study and understand. Some days you may feel perfectly in tune with all of your choices and surroundings only to be feeling outcast, outspoken, rude, pitiful and eventually, self-deprecating.  

I know I am not the only one who goes through this. If you don't, then you are lying, or quite possibly, not "human." 

Although such phases do not last long, for me, thankfully, they are unsettling because when you over think, you disallow your instinct to be in control, you tend to become off balance that spirals your rational thought along with your own energy, into massive loops of confusion.  

You may not be confusing to others, or maybe you are, I can only speak for myself, however, the most important aspect of being off balance is in regards to how you feel about yourself. 

I found myself reacting to things I normally ignore and getting upset over menial things.  This is typically not the "me" of today so I began to search: 

Why do I feel this way? What caused me to start thinking like this? Why am I feeling out of control?

Ask yourself, you have all of your answers. 

The beautiful aspect of existence and having people put by us for various reasons is that during such times, often without saying a word, some without ever meeting me, sensed that something clearly was "not right" simply by reading deeper into my words, my energy, my response and my actions. Several people took the time to find out why I did not feel okay. 

As human beings we all wish to be acknowledged, loved and recognized and that is not an egotistical thing, it is a basic need.  These extremely special people did just that. They acknowledged my emotions, what I was feeling, and allowed me to talk through them in order for me, not them, to figure out why I was feeling out of balance. 

Rational and healthy communication is crucial. 

It absolutely infuriates me [there I go being "human" again] when there is improper communication because this starts a chain reaction of misunderstanding that leads to "what if" negative self talk and thinking. In turn, eventually, a guilt ridden, self-loathing [for those of us who are "human'] after effect.  This is absolutely foolish when you think about it. 

[Think for a moment, really, this is not meant to be deep.]

What I learned from being allowed to be myself without judgment is that I needed to look inside of me and not blame another person for the way I were feeling.  After all, it is my own fault for feeling as I do no matter what another said to me, how one treated me, or the actions of another human being towards me.   

I am in control of myself and am responsible and accountable for my behavior. 


I asked myself: 

Why do you feel this way? What caused you to start thinking like this? Why do you feel out of control? 

And guess what?  I answered me. 

Yet, without the guidance of those who are reading this and reached out in various ways to acknowledge me, as a fellow human being, I may not have arrived quickly to a conclusion. I may have ridiculously crucified myself a few more days for no apparent reason other than I chose to.

Something amazing occurred after talking with others. 

Sitting on my couch watching a movie with my son, William, he is 17 years old, I looked at him, I mean I really looked at who he is and I asked him to please give me a hug.  The smile on his face was so wide that I began to smile too.  He gladly and lovingly hugged me with all of his might and we did not let go, not just yet.  I told him that without him in my life that my life would be horrible and I mean that, wholeheartedly. 

Hugging my son was touching the divine. 

You see, children are insightful and full of unconditional love that we tend to lose as we grow older.  In my child, I felt bright, magnificent light that illuminated me, and I wondered did he also feel that from me? 

At that moment, I realized my entire purpose, regardless of what interests me, what my career is or is not, and who is or is not in my life. 

What mattered and does matter was right there with my son. In seconds, every single confusing thought disappeared. 

That is the beauty of love.  The divine essence of existence. 

The fact that we are placed here for various reasons and most times, they are quite simple. We make them complicated. 

I realized how blessed I were then, although I have always been aware, yet sometimes we forget in the busy-ness of life. 

Then everything around me was a gift, the sunshine, nature, my home, my work, my friends, my family, the fact that my limbs work and that I have the means to utilize technology to talk to all of you right now. 

For today [and every day] I suggest something extremely simple.  

Do this right now. Look around you and find your divine. It exists. 

You just may have your eyes closed at the moment. 

So, take the time to work through whatever you are dealing with, just don't stay there. 

And always, be human. 

© Susan Marie Hard Rock Cafe, Niagara Falls, NY, USA

The Beauty of the Darkness of Light

 © Susan Marie

I lay my hands folded across my breast and close my lids to humanity, yet it claws at my calves as waves rushing to slate rock.
 
Pulled to duty, I hesitate. I shed skin per second, and parts of me embed within the dirt and sedimentary layers of this Earth. It is tiring. I am able to look into one’s eyes and see fathoms they do not. I bow my head in grace, not quite knowing how to proceed…
 
So, that was pretty much how I spent the last year.
 
Real light-minded things, like facing the horror and the beauty of the darkness of light while single-handedly cracking my sternum into pieces, and putting my splintered ribs back together like some Freudian jigsaw puzzle while enjoying afternoon tea with Kierkegaard and Jung.
 
I am, obviously, me, just a bit… lighter.
 
Kafka stated:
 

“I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound or stab us. If the book we’re reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading for?… we need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us. That is my belief.”

 - The axe for the frozen sea within us -

Well, I took that axe just like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, possessed and crazed, but much more calm than he was, and definitely not dangerous, and hammered that baby right through my skullbone.
 
My blow to the head was facing myself in order to align with right now, not yesterday or tomorrow, right now. My disasters were not awful, they were lessons that involved letting people, situations, attitudes and behaviors go that no longer serve my placement.
 
To be perfectly honest, ‘banished to the forest far from everyone’ is not as bad as good ol’ Franz makes it sound up there.
 
The universe exists, there are stars, planets, and worlds we have yet to discover, endless void, and we only know of one galaxy. 
 
We survive on one planet out of many, that happens to possess perfect conditions for our functioning human bodies which require no electricity, batteries, or gas in order to run. 

Existence is a sort of dream, another state of being, a perceptive state and we all perceive life differently. 
 
We are here to learn and experience everything, and a massive energetic force composed of elements we have yet to understand is our lighthouse.
 
This energy is everywhere: sun, moon, seasons, grass, trees, sea, sky, breath, movement, the beating heart, the speaking voice, the kind words of a good heart, a friend, a lover, a love.
 
We experience this — humanity — in order to grow, and when we pass, are accountable in a lovely fashion, not a condemning one. There are no magic rewards or gifts, yet further exploration.
 
We choose our existence, our life, our love, our struggle, our beauty and our pain. If we do not accomplish what we are set here to do, we repeat it now and/or later.
 
My lamplight may dim from time to time, yet is never out, and you must be wondering by now what the actual point of this article is.
 
I must admit, I truly have no idea, seriously, but you are still reading, and my duty as a writer is to come up with something intelligent-sounding.
 
So this is all I got (so far):
 

• Trust the process; trust what is correct for you and only you.
• Trust that your own actions, words, and existence carry the ability to hurt and heal.
• Trust that you have the power to create sacred spaces for others to enter safely in order to experience and learn of love on giving and receiving ends.
• Trust that being human (is the craziest thing to ever agree to) is about observation, perception, experience, and growth.
• Trust that you are important, and were born for reasons yet to be discovered.
• Trust that your placement on this globe transcends what the human mind is capable of fully comprehending.
• Trust that you have work to do, and if you are not doing this work, then you had better get busy finding your work.
• Trust that if your actions are consistently cruel and unkind, and you are fully conscious of this, then you have the chance to create change in your life before life chooses to create change for you.
• Trust that something negative can be positive, provided you pay attention.
• Trust that if you are being the best version possible of yourself right now, then that is enough.
• Trust your happiness, your passions, and trust your absolute divine self in recognizing that right now is the answer. 

 

All of this — being human — is a battle within self.

The purpose?
 
Enjoy this experience for what it is. Break open the human shell, and discover what is inside.
 
The rest is beyond me, for I am only human. When I pass from this plane, then and only then will I know, without need to study, debate or experiment, if I have truly succeeded.
 
If I extend my arm outwards a few feet beside me, what is there that I cannot see?
 
I have absolutely no idea, but I have so much fun trying to find the answers…

                                                       © WR