The last few days were trying. After all, I am only human.
Only human. Now there is an interesting definition.
Being "human" [according to Merriam-Webster] means "a human being, a person as distinguished from an animal or an alien. Susceptible to or representative of the sympathies and frailties of human nature."
In our world, being "human" has taken on an entirely different meaning.
All ranges of emotion from love to happiness to sadness to frustration to anger to darkness to bliss are experienced by humans. Somewhere along the lines, the term "human" has been associated with being "perfect." Perfect attitude, hair, skin, nails, clothes, body, education, family, career, skills, life, travel, adventure, love, and pretty much everything that most humans definitely are not.
Many times in life we over think. Our minds are powerful tools, ones we have yet to fully study and understand. Some days you may feel perfectly in tune with all of your choices and surroundings only to be feeling outcast, outspoken, rude, pitiful and eventually, self-deprecating. I know I am not the only one who goes through this. If you don't, then you are lying, or quite possibly, not "human."
Although such phases do not last long, for me, thankfully, they are unsettling because when you over think, you disallow your instinct to be in control, you tend to become off balance that spirals your rational thought along with your own energy, into massive loops of confusion. You may not be confusing to others, or maybe you are, I can only speak for myself, however, the most important aspect of being off balance is in regards to how you feel about yourself.
I found myself reacting to things I normally ignore and getting upset over menial things. This is typically not the "me" of today so I began to search:
"Why do I feel this way? What caused me to start thinking like this? Why am I feeling out of control?"
Ask yourself, you have all of your answers.
The beautiful aspect of existence and having people put by us for various reasons is that during such times, often without saying a word, some without ever meeting me, sensed that something clearly was "not right" simply by reading deeper into my words, my energy, my response and my actions. Several people took the time to find out why I did not feel okay.
As human beings we all wish to be acknowledged, loved and recognized and that is not an egotistical thing, it is a basic need. These extremely special people did just that. They acknowledged my emotions, what I was feeling, and allowed me to talk through them in order for me, not them, to figure out why I was feeling out of balance.
Rational and healthy communication is crucial.
It absolutely infuriates me [there I go being "human" again] when there is improper communication because this starts a chain reaction of misunderstanding that leads to "what if" negative self talk and thinking. In turn, eventually, a guilt ridden, self-loathing [for those of us who are "human'] after effect. This is absolutely foolish when you think about it.
[Think for a moment, really, this is not meant to be deep.]
What I learned from being allowed to be myself without judgment is that I needed to look inside of me and not blame another person for the way I were feeling. After all, it is my own fault for feeling as I do no matter what another said to me, how one treated me, or the actions of another human being towards me. I am in control of myself and am responsible and accountable for my behavior.
I asked myself:
"Why do you feel this way? What caused you to start thinking like this? Why do you feel out of control?"
And guess what? I answered me.
*smile*
Yet, without the guidance of those who are reading this and reached out in various ways to acknowledge me, as a fellow human being, I may not have arrived quickly to a conclusion. I may have ridiculously crucified myself a few more days for no apparent reason other than I chose to.
Yet something amazing occurred after talking with others.
I were sitting on my couch watching a movie with my son, William, he is 14 years old and I looked at him, I mean I really looked at who he is and I asked him to please give me a hug. The smile on his face was so wide that I began to smile too. He gladly and lovingly hugged me with all of his might and we did not let go, not just yet. I told him that without him in my life that my life would be horrible and I mean that, wholeheartedly.
Hugging my son was touching the divine.
You see, children are insightful and full of unconditional love that we tend to lose as we grow older. In my child, I felt bright, magnificent light that illuminated me, and I wondered did he also feel that from me?
At that moment, I realized my entire purpose, regardless of what interests me, what my career is or is not, and who is or is not in my life.
What mattered and does matter was right there with my son. In seconds, every single confusing thought disappeared.
That is the beauty of love. The divine essence of existence.
The fact that we are placed here for various reasons and most times, they are quite simple. We make them complicated.
I realized how blessed I were then, although I have always been aware, yet sometimes we forget in the busy-ness of life. Then everything around me was a gift, the sunshine, nature, my home, my work, my friends, my family, the fact that my limbs work and that I have the means to utilize technology to talk to all of you right now.
For today [and every day] I suggest something extremely simple. Do this right now. Look around you and find your divine. It exists. You just may have your eyes closed at the moment.
So, take the time to work through whatever you are dealing with, just don't stay there.
And always, simply, be human.
2013 ChalkFest Buffalo
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2014 my niece Delaney,
and my son, William
Peace.
